Here's chapter 2.. I know I am not going in oder, so just go with the flow!!
Chapter 2
I never knew that one guy would be able to change my life so much in just one ten-minute conversation, but he did and my life was never the same again.
The day started out normal enough. I had arrived in New York early that week.
I walked into a local café to get myself a bite to eat and that’s when I saw him. He was sitting on a bar stool, eating a hamburger of all things. I knew who he was right away.
“May I help you?” the hostess asked me.
“Table for one,” I told her, only paying half attention to what was going on around me. All that mattered to me was the handsome guy eating the hamburger.
I was so dazed that I didn’t notice the wet floor sign, which I tripped over, which was not a surprise because I hadn’t been paying attention to where I was walking, and fell flat on my face. Everyone around me started laughing at me, including the hostess. Well, I might as well just lay here since I can’t feel my legs, I thought to myself, but that didn’t make any sense because there was no pain. I started struggling to get up, which made my audience laugh even harder.
“Here, let me help you,” he said, giving me his hand and pulling me up.
“Thanks for the help. You cannot imagine how stupid I feel right now.” My face was starting to blush; I could feel it. “Well thanks for the help,” I said as I turned to walk away.
“Why don’t you join me for lunch? I could use the company,” he said with a smile that reached all the way up to his eyes and lit up his whole face. “Please? I won’t hurt you.”
“Well, ok. I guess it won’t hurt,” I said with a fake smile planted on my face, a smile that I hope he bought. He took my hand and led me to the place where he had been when I entered the café.
“So, what’s your name?” he asked me curiously, picking at his burger.
“Elizabeth.”
“That’s a pretty name for a pretty girl,” he said with the same grin that he had when he asked me to have lunch with him.
“Was that supposed to be a pick up line? If so, it was lame and you should think about getting another one,” I said, jokingly. I could feel myself starting to loosen up with him, and we had only been talking for a few minutes.
“Yea, that was kind of lame wasn’t it?” He still had that smile on his face. “Are you going to ask me my name?”
“There is no need for me to do that. I know exactly who you are.”
“Oh, do you?”
“Yes, I do.”
“So, what is my name?”
“I would tell you, but I am thinking that you trying to hide yourself, or you wouldn’t be wearing that outfit.”
“Your very smart, Elizabeth.”
“Well, thank you.”
“You are welcome.”
“The truth is that the paparazzi and my fans follow me everywhere, so when I go out without my body guard, I wear a disguise so I won’t be hassled.”
“You’re very smart, too. I would have never thought of that idea if I was you.” I returned his smile. “In fact, I would probably just hold up in my house and never leave.”
“Which is exactly why I go out incognito. I would never want to have a life where I couldn’t leave my house. I would rather be chased for miles than never leave my house.”
“I really don’t blame you. That would be a very tragic life to live that way.”
“Yes, it would be.” The smile that he had plastered on his face began to diminish in the silence. The silence lasted for a long time, neither of us wanting to break it. I was waiting for him to break it and he was waiting for me to break it. Eventually the silence got the best of him, and he broke it.
“So what brings you to New York, Elizabeth?”
“Just traveling, seeing the sights. You know just getting some alone time away from the family?”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you leave your family behind? Were they that bad?”
“Why does it matter to you?” I really didn’t feel comfortable with telling this guy all my secrets, even if I was starting to loosen up with him, when I had only known him for a few minutes. I was always a slight bit shy and I never did like to meet new people.
“I was just wondering. There is no reason to get testy, Elizabeth.” The door to the café opened then, and a hundred or so screaming girls ran in.
“Oh my gosh, it’s really him. It’s Josh!” one screamed.
“Great! I thought they would never find me, but I was wrong,” Josh was already up and heading towards the door. “Nice to meet you, Elizabeth.” Josh ran out of the door and was gone.
“That poor boy. He never gets a break from the limelight,” the waitress behind the counter said. “Do you need anything, hun?”
“Yea. I would like a milkshake, a strawberry one, please. Also, can you bring me Josh’s check if he didn’t pay?”
“Sure thing, hun.” She smiled at me and walked away. She retrieved both my milkshake and Josh’s check.
“Don’t get your hopes up about dating that boy. Almost every girl is in love with him and the chances of him actually falling for you are slim to none.” The waitress had a sympathetic look in her eyes. “Just don’t waste your time.” She walked away again.
I never planned on dating Josh. I was just had lunch with the guy; that was all there was. I knew that he would never fall for me if I did ever see him again, and the chances of me actually seeing him again were zero to none.
But if was being honest with myself, something that I have always had problems with, I would have to admit that I did want to see him again. He seemed like a nice enough guy that I could just be friends with, that much was certain. I would also have to admit to myself that I was attracted to him, both physically and emotionally.
I was beginning to have a war with myself. There was a part of me that kept saying that Josh was going to be mine. We were going to be together forever and nothing was going to change that. The other side of my brain, the more logical side, was telling me that I was never going to see Josh again and that I might as well forget it.
When it came down to it, I felt a deep connection to this guy who I hardly knew. I knew who he was and what he did for a living; I knew that some of his roles involved him kissing other girls, but that didn’t really bother me. What bothered me was that I had only known this guy for a short time and that I was having such strong feelings for him in that short amount of time.
Josh could never feel the same way about me though. He was Joshua Abrams, box office sensation, but I still had feelings for him, feelings that would never be returned to me by Josh. I had feelings for him and that was all that mattered to me.
Josh was wonderfully sweet and polite, not to mention very handsome, and ever the gentleman. He was the perfect guy, and I, Elizabeth Marie Henderson, was totally and completely smitten.
I knew that he would never feel the same way about me that I felt about him. I was too plain and average looking for him to fall with me. I was the girl next door and he was the popular movie star. How could he ever fall for me? We were from two different worlds.
Maybe in some crazy, mixed up world Josh could fall for someone like me, but that was just wishful thinking. He was an actor and people never look at people like me twice. I had no special talents to speak of and no super model looks. He could do much better than me, but I still couldn’t help how I felt about him.
I was in love.
(END)
I'm glad you think I'm helpful :D
ReplyDeleteI dunno, I actually don't think the way they meet is so bad. Maybe a little improbable (that Josh would be the only one to offer help when she fell... and Elizabeth's sudden proclamation of love, especially), but not bad.
Once again I think the problem lies not in what's actually going on, but in the pacing. This chapter can be pretty clearly divided into two sections: their conversation, and Elizabeth's introspection. What I think you need to do is sort of integrate these together into one, fluid piece of writing-- and use narration to tie them together! For example, make them seem more compatible by intermingling some of Elizabeth's thoughts in with dialogue (it's 1st person, you can do that), and then, when she's thinking about how improbable it is that she and Josh could ever be an item, maybe mention her sipping on her milkshake and then walking around the city distractedly as she reflects on the encounter...
I notice that you use action and description very minimally, instead leaning mostly on dialogue to tell your story... I want to encourage you to expand that out; don't be afraid to include little, seemingly irrelevant details-- tell us all about the scene. What does Josh look like-- and what sort of disguise is he wearing? What is the atmosphere in the diner like? When Elizabeth speaks to Josh for the first time after standing up, is she shy? embarrassed? fidgity? terrified? does she look him in the eye? How about Josh? Is he just good-natured, or is there any hint of pity or amusement in his voice?
I just feel like there's a lot more of this nature that could be said, and would really help draw the reader into understanding the characters and situations. So if you end up deciding to change the scene, just remember: action and description. Mannerisms. Appearances. Atmosphere.
Just keep in mind that the reader can't see the clear images of your characters that you have in your head, so it's completely up to you to help them accurately imagine them for themselves.
Aaaaand I wrote up this whole huge comment but it's too big so I'm gonna post part 2 in just a second.
Only I could write a comment that is nearly as long as the thing I'm commenting on. *fail*
ReplyDeleteOther miscellaneous things:
1. Methinks you should describe Elizabeth's road trip a bit more; why she chose to stay in New York; how long she intends to stay there; how she finds it compared to her childhood excursion, etc. Like I said, action and detail.
2. Henderson! You should include Elizabeth's last name in the first chapter.
3. Whenever Elizabeth recognizes Josh-- however you have them meet-- and he says "aren't you going to ask me my name?" I think you should go ahead and, through Elizabeth's thoughts, tell us a bit about him. *"I know exactly who you are." As the words left my mouth, I felt my hands begin to tremble. hell yes, I knew exactly who he was. He was Josh Abrams, the star of 12 box-office smash hits since the dawn of his career! I knew every line he'd ever spoken, I had his poster on my wall, I'd followed him religiously in the tabloids since I was a teenager! And now he was sitting across from me, eating a cheeseburger!* Something like that. xD just let us know why she was so immediately entranced upon seeing him.
4. In chapter one, you said that Elizabeth wanted to be an actress.... what ever happened to those dreams? She said she thought she was "destined for greatness"... now she's saying "he was an actor and people never look at people like me twice. I had no special talents to speak of..." You might want to reconcile this. Even if you just say, instead, something to the effect of: "He was an highly successful actor, and I had never achieved anything more impressive than the sidekick's role in a school play"... we just don't want any contradictions.
5. New York City is a massive place. I guess that's the biggest problem with this setup. If Josh runs out, the chances of him running into Elizabeth again are slim to none. You can reconcile this in a few simple ways: have him give ask her for her phone number (which would make Elizabeth's infatuation with him seem more believable, perhaps, and make the waitress's words that much more cutting. Plus it opens up all this opportunities for doubt and disbelief... 8D ), or at the end of the chapter have Elizabeth resolve to return to the cafe every day until she sees him again, or something else.
Aaaand I think that's it x_x