Thursday, September 24, 2009


Here is an excerpt.. Enjoy!!

Josh fell. He fell over a hundred feet to the ground and landed with a thud. Even the pad that they had set up for such an event did not ease the impact of his fall.

Everything started happening at once after that. People started screaming, crying at the site of Josh’s mangled body, but mostly they were running to where Josh laid. He was sprawled out on the ground, arms raised up over his head. His eyes were closed, his lips parted slightly, like he was trying to hold back a scream.

I slowly sat down beside Josh and I took his limp hand in mine. I squeezed it and he began to open his eyes. A gasp swept through the already forming crowd around us.

Josh started to look around the group that had started to form around us, however his gaze stopped on me. He held it there for what seemed like forever, but it was only a couple of seconds. Then he started trying to sit up, which sent another gasp through the crowd.

“Josh don’t move!” someone behind me shouted.

“Don’t move! You’ll hurt yourself more!” another person shouted.

“Josh! Lay still! If you hurt your back, you will hurt it worse by moving around so much. Just lay still, honey. Help is coming!” Josh’s grandmother was telling him on his other side. He did as he was told.

Big, fat tears began streaming down his pretty boy face; he was in pain. He wanted to be comforted by me. He wanted me to tell him that everything was going to be ok, but I couldn’t. I began to wipe the tears away from his big, baby blue eyes.

“Shh, it’s ok Josh. I’m here. I’m here.” He looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back and I felt my motherly instincts kick in.

“Josh,” I whispered, “Don’t go to sleep. Do you hear me? You have to stay awake. Do not go to sleep. You have to stay awake.” I began to stroke the side of his neck. “Stay with me Josh! Don’t let go!”

I needed someone to talk to Josh, to keep him from going to sleep. I knew my voice was going to end up giving me away if I kept talking to Josh. I needed someone else to do it. That’s when I noticed one of his co-stars standing close to us. I looked straight at her and she understood at once what I needed her to do.

“Josh, talk to me. Can you talk to me?” Chloe began to talk to Josh, who was crying in pain and sitting against me. “Look at me, Josh. Can you tell me your name? What is your name? Can you tell me your name?” I had to give Chloe her props; she kept talking even though she wasn’t getting any response from Josh. He was just staring at her, with tears running down his pretty boy face, like he didn’t even know who she was.

“Josh, please stay with me. Keep your eyes open; do not close your eyes,” I said quietly, still stroking his neck. “Please don’t leave me, Josh.” Tears were welling up in my eyes. Josh was starting to shake; he was going into shock.

1 comment:

  1. I love it! You used a nice mix of action, description, and dialogue, and it works well. Very dramatic!

    My only problem is this:
    .."his pretty boy face....big, baby blue eyes."

    I can understand the reason for this, because these fond descriptions nicely contrast Josh's mangled position, but... maybe too much so. It
    sounds inappropriately childish. Maybe just up the word choice a bit. Handsome instead of pretty boy, wide instead of big, maybe... baby-blue's ok, but it needs a hyphen to clarify that it's a color (when I first read it I thought you meant baby-like :x )